During my visit of some of my friends in Virginia, I watched, for the second time, “Colombiana.”   This is one of those entertaining but not realistic action movies.   It seemed to me the writers and filmmaker just got lazy when it came to the script; and didn’t address many of the problems of the story.

For example, when Cataleya (the heroine/assassin) was being booked in a police precinct, they took her fingerprints…but not her mugshot!   And because she managed to shield her face from all the cameras in the precinct during her short stay, the FBI had a hard time finding out who she really was.   This makes no sense to me.

When I was arrested after helping to chase off some teenage muggers who were attacking my friend, the police took my picture as well as my fingerprints.   Another friend of mine who helped me chase off the muggers was arrested with me; and he didn’t have any identification (just like Cataleya, who only had a bogus library card).  My friend was told that unless someone can come to the precinct to verify his identity, he would not be released.  Cataleya was released.   I guess the cops trusted her library ID card, plus never bothered to run her fingerprints which were fake to begin with (she wore some kind of fake skin on her hands).

And for those wondering why my friend and I were arrested for chasing off those teenaged hoodlums: when the police grabbed a few of the muggers, they told the cops that we were the ones who attacked them.   And that we had knives (that part was true; and I’m glad we had knives because that’s what scared them off, and we were outnumbered by about 3 to 1).   Well, the cops rolled up on me and my friends and they found the knives on us, on came the handcuffs and into the back of the unmarked car we went.   No one was hurt during all this — except my victim friend who was pushed and shoved by the muggers — and my other friend and I were let go with a Desk Appearance Ticket after spending about 4 hours in the holding cell.   Bottom line, we both were given an ACD: Adjournment in Contemplation of Dismissal.  If we didn’t get into trouble for the next 6 months, all charges (rioting, public menacing, and possession of a weapon (a knife)) would  be dropped.  And that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s another example of a problem with the story.  Cataleya is killing an assortment of bad guys who are connected to a big, drug dealer who killed her parents and then went into hiding.  She hopes her killings (which includes her drawing a Cataleya flower on the victims’ bodies) will flush out the big, boss man.  And she believes that her relatives will be safe from retaliation because…I don’t know why she believes her relatives will be safe!   She was raised by her surviving relatives since she was a little girl!  Her name is Cataleya!  They called her Cataleya!  People in the neighborhood must have known about her as soon as she started living with her uncle and grandmother!  So…as an adult she lives on her own and changes her name to Jennifer…and the neighborhood is supposed to forget that for years a girl named Cataleya lived with an uncle who is a crime lord?  She’s supposed to be a trained killer.  A female James Bond, highly intelligent, plans out her moves.  Yet she gets retarded in thinking that the big, boss man will never find the people who are closest to her.

And now we get to most memorable moment of this movie:  Cataleya’s first victim that we see.   He is an incredibly ugly man.   You’ve seen commercials of Chia Pet, right?  Well, a few years later they came out with Chia Head.  It’s a head of a man, and the teeny plants will become his hair.  And Cataleya’s victim looks just like the Chia Head.  The Chia Head is disturbingly ugly, as is the actor who plays Cataleya’s victim.   His face is as smooth as the craters on the moon.  His skin is more leathery than that of Robert Redford.  Have you ever left a piece of beef on the grill for too long?  If that piece of overcooked meat had eyes and long, uncombed, greasy hair, that would be this guy.  We’re talking uglier than “El Guapo” from “The Three Amigos.”   We’re to assume Cataleya killed him because he’s a bad guy, but I think she did it so he wouldn’t pass on his defective genes to another generation.   Finally, some sound logic in this movie!

M

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