“Predators” is, as far as memory serves me, the only movie I’ve seen that has a trailer that flat out lies to the audience!  It lies like a politician!  It lies like a CEO of a corporation!  It lies like a car salesman!  It lies like your teenaged kid!  What does the trailer lie about?  Well, have a seat and I’ll tell you — unless you have hemorrhoids, in which case you can remain standing.  Near the end of the trailer, there is a shot of Adrien Brody being “lased” by 15 Predator, laser targeting beams.  Which means 15 Predators in the movie, right?  Wrong.  In the movie, there is only one laser beam aimed at Brody.   One.  What a huge rip-off!  Like opening a huge bag of potato chips and only finding 3 ounces of chips inside.

So how many Predators are in “Predators?”  Four.   “Hey, that’s not bad,” you say.  “Oh, yes it is,” I reply.  I was promised 15 and given 4.  Ladies, if a man tells you he has 10 inches and he really has 5, you’d be upset!  Men, if a woman looks like a DD bra size, and it turns out to be mostly padding, you’d be upset!  Uh…never mind that last part…men are just happy to have sex; but you get the point!

Anyway…”Predators” takes place on a planet that Predators use as a game preserve.  Predators kidnap creatures from different planets (including people from Earth) and parachute them into their hunting ground for future fun and games.  Among the current batch of Earthlings is Adrien Brody, a mercenary.  Making up the rest of the batch is a Mexican, drug cartel member; a serial killer; a hit squad member from Sierra Leone; a Yakuza member; a Russian, Special Ops soldier; a female sniper played by Alice Braga; and white dude that seems out of place played by Topher Grace.

Here’s another thing that irks me about “Predators.”  The human prey know that they’ve been chosen to be hunted because of their viciousness and/or fighting abilities.  They’re all killers.   But Topher Grace’s background isn’t mentioned, or even hinted at, in the first 90% of the movie.  Why aren’t the other humans curious as to who he is and why he’s there with all these soldiers/mercenaries/killers?  Grace is the weakest of the humans; and he’s a bit of a goofball.  Why would the Predators want to hunt him?  Why aren’t the other humans looking at him the way  Klansmen would look at a black man who decided to join in the cross burning?  This is a big, logical flaw.

Another reason not to like “Predators” is the annoying, fake, tough guy voice that Brody uses.   It’s really bad, and distracting.   Every time he talks it takes me out of the movie.

Overall, “Predators” isn’t a bad movie.  Then again, a multi-million dollar, Hollywood movie loaded with talented actors is a failure if all the praise it can garner is that it isn’t a bad movie.

“Predators” gave me two memorable, movie moments.  Coming in at second place is the scene when one of the humans, played by Walton Goggins, is telling Grace that if he makes it out of the planet alive, he’s going to do massive amounts of coke, and will rape many bitches.  No matter what time of the day it is, it’ll be time to rape a bitch.  Wow.  I wonder if he’s related to the NYPD “Cannibal Cop?”

At the top of the memorable, movie moments of “Predators” is the scene when Goggins — yes, him again — becomes very aware that a threat is coming toward him and his group, and that he’s only armed with a knife, while everyone else (except for Grace) is carrying serious hardware.  Goggins starts whining like a little kid about someone giving him a spare gun because all he has is a tiny knife, but his pleas fall on deaf ears.  Oh, what a creepy, funny character.  Like a gym teacher.

Speaking of gym teachers, I have a story to tell you.  Back in elementary school, one of the regular teachers — some douche whose name I forgot —  was in charge of the gym.   So one day, he told all the students to go around him (to his left) and do a lap around the gym.  For some reason, I go around him to his right.  When my lap was done, he pulls me aside and tells me to do another lap because I didn’t follow instructions.  WTF!  Not being a troublemaker, I did as I was told, but man, I was pissed.  And as you can tell, I’m still pissed off!  I mean, can you believe that s@#t?  You’re going to make a kid suffer for some trivial thing because why?  Your wife was banging a younger guy with washboard abs?  You mother-f%&*er.  Well, I’d like to go back in time — but the way I am now (ripped and strong and fast from 28 years of working out) — and give Mr. Douche a fast knee into his soft, Pillsbury Doughboy stomach and watch him drop to his knees like a $5 whore.

I believe in forgiveness.  Only after make you suffer.

M

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