This is the first movie that I will review on my blog that I haven’t finished, because it’s such a piece of s*#t that I couldn’t finish it.  This garbage will be relegated to a new category that I will call “The Unwatchable.”

So how did I become prey to this so-called movie?  My library account allows me to access a website called freegal where I can stream movies and television shows for free.  Naturally, I focused on the horror movies; and me being a big fan of zombie flicks, I figured I’d give “The Vanguard” a chance.  Whoo, what a bad choice that was!  Within a couple of minutes I knew I was watching an indie flick that probably cost $41.25 to make.  Now, having been involved in several micro-budget, guerrilla-style, indie films, I know that despite having almost no budget, a movie can still be good as long as you have a) competent actors, b) a good script, and c) a good director.  “The Vanguard” had none of these.

First we are given a prologue about overpopulation and famine and experiments and people turning into zombies.  Okay, sounds good!  Then the rest of the movie starts…and…well…it’s like a guy who says he can sing really well, and he goes on and on about how good he is; and then he starts to sing and you’re like, “What the f*#k, dude, you suck!”

We see the “hero” riding a girl’s bike, and trying to look cool!  This guy reminds me of those weirdos in NYC who probably have skeletons of little boys in their basements.   Oh, man, I actually gave this movie 20 minutes of my time in the hopes that it will get better, but it got more confusing and disjointed and unfocused.  And there is no memorable, movie moment in “The Vanguard.”  There is, however, a memorable thing about this movie: it sucks.

Freegal has the poster for “The Vanguard,” and some jackass is quoted as saying, “One of the most refreshing zombie films to show its face in a long while.”   Man, that lie is up there with: the Vatican claiming they didn’t know how prevalent priests molesting children was; and Iraq having weapons of mass destruction, and therefore needed to be invaded by the U.S.  The person being quoted is extremely kind, or was paid off, or is a relative of whoever made this piece of monkey puke, or is high on bath salts.

“The Vanguard”: I hereby throw you into the pit called “The Unwatchable.”  Woe to he who frees you from that pit and decides to watch you!

M

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