Joseph Gordon-Levitt writes, directs, and stars in this very funny movie about a young man who has a very active sex life; easily finding good-looking, young women to take back to his apartment after a night of clubbing.  Yet he still has a terrible need to masturbate many times a week while watching porn.   Welcome to the world of “Don Jon.”

Levitt (Don Jon) is a caricature of young, single males from Jersey whose life centers around sex.   Most things about him are exaggerated for maximum shock and laughter: the tight clothing, the 1970s muscle car (a Chevy Chevelle SS, I think), the road rage, the macho walk, the facial expressions he makes toward women in clubs he wants to get with, and his take on why he prefers masturbating to porn than having sex.

Because Levitt is not looking to settle down and start a family, he’s happy with his current state.  Why buy the cow when all you want is milk, and the price of milk is low?  But then he meets Scarlett Johansson, and he falls for her hard right at the beginning; and that’s when she slowly makes him miserable by forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do like: take a college class, stop cleaning his own apartment — she says it’s “not sexy” — and stop watching porn because it’s disgusting and only weirdos and perverts do it.  Are you f*%#@$g kidding!   I would’ve thrown her ass to the gutters!  Some of the reasons I like “Don Jon” so much is because we have many things in common: we like to work out a lot; we both drive sports cars; we’re both single; we like to keep things neat; we both love porn; we’re single; we love our families; we like to use product on our hair; and we like women.  But I’m much older than Levitt’s character, so I’ve learned not to take that kind of s*#t from a woman.  I don’t care how much I like her, once she starts telling me to do things that don’t make sense to me, that’s when it’s time for her to go.   Okay, enough about me.  Back to Levitt.

He’s young and in love, so he’s become a bit of a sucker for her bidding.   And he’s now torn between doing what he likes and doing what Johansson wants him to do.  Levitt decides to do both, and that’s when his life really gets topsy-turvy.  On top of that, he meets Julianne Moore in the college class he takes, and begins a strange relationship with her that will alter his life forever.

One of my memorable moments of “Don Jon” is when he goes to church to confess his sins, and his “sins” are less than what he confessed to earlier; and he expected less Hail Mary’s and The Lord’s Prayer, but got the same amount by the priest.  Levitt questions how the punishment is tallied, and the priest simply says something like “trust in the lord” or “have faith in the Lord.”  Levitt leaves with a WTF expression on his face.  Yeah, exactly.  Listen, when your question is answered with s*#t like that, that means the one who is answering you has no clue what the hell is going on.  You’re better off talking to whatever God you believe in directly, and cut out the middle man.

My most memorable, movie moment of “Don Jon” is the sequence when Levitt tells the audience why he prefers porn over real sex.  He says of real sex: women don’t give you a good blowjob or a long enough one than what you see in porn; women like to do missionary position too much so you don’t get to see and slap their asses; you can’t get infections from porn; and in real sex women won’t let you do certain things to them like ejaculate on their face.  Well, I have to disagree with much of his assessment!  Some women out there do let you ejaculate on their face, or boobs, or in their mouths (some will swallow); some women out there will give you a very good, lengthy blowjob without you having to reciprocate (even though you should!); and some women out there can be just as freaky as men, and are willing to experiment in many strange and fascinating ways.  “How do you know this, Manny?” you ask.  I speak from experience.  Apparently Levitt gets very lucky only with women who like regular sex.

As much as I enjoyed “Don Jon” (so much so that I am planning to buy this on BD when the price goes to $10 or less), there were two things that bothered me about it.  One is mentioned in the previous paragraph, and the other is that the movie clearly lets us know early that Levitt has a sexual dysfunction.  But does he really?  Everybody’s different.   People get off on different things.  As long as everyone involved are single, consenting adults, I don’t see what the big deal is if someone likes porn, or likes to get whipped, or likes to play with urine.  Ideally you want to be with someone who gets turned on on the same things.  And if you’re not with someone who likes the same things that you do sexually, it’s time to move on.  I don’t care if you consider her a “dime” the way Levitt called Johansson a dime.

And by the way, no way in hell Johansson is a dime!  A 10!  Johansson!  Hell no!  At best, she’s an 8.  Go on youtube and look up M.U.G.R.A.W. (Manny’s Universal Guide for RAting Women) for a detailed explanation on what I consider an 8.

— M

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