Do I really need to give a summary of the story here?  Hmmm…considering there are people who can’t even find their own country on a map, I think I should.

“Noah” is the about the biblical Noah — you know, the dude who God gave a heads up that God was going to destroy the world with a big flood.  Why?  Apparently, God got pissed that people are so wicked.   Huh?  Shouldn’t God have known that from the beginning, because God is supposed to be all-knowing and all-powerful?  Whatever.

Russell Crowe, who plays Noah, interprets his visions to mean that he should build an ark that can hold many animals so that the world can be reborn again when the flood is over.  Only Crowe believes that people shouldn’t be allowed to repopulate the Earth, that he and his family shouldn’t have any more children, that their purpose in surviving the flood is to help some of the animals live.  This is one of the problems hardcore, bible people have with “Noah.”  It doesn’t mean a damn thing to me as I don’t adhere to any religion.  I’m just looking for an entertaining movie.   And it is entertaining.

“Noah” gives us enough drama (Crowe and his family are surrounded by bad people waiting for their chance to attack and take over the ark; Crowe’s son complaining that he doesn’t have a woman, and time is running out for him to find a suitable wife; and two other sub-plots that I won’t mention so as not to spoil the movie for those who haven’t seen it yet), action and suspense to keep things interesting.

One of my memorable moments of this movie is the scene when Crowe has a dream of what God has planned for the Earth.  Crowe is underwater, and all around him are the dead bodies of people and animals.  At this point Crowe has no idea that God plans to spare him and his family, so Crowe is freaking out, and justifiably so.  I had a dream years ago that my car — that I owned at the time — got wrecked because some ass crashed into it.  I was freaking out in the dream, and when I woke up I freaked out for a few seconds until I realized it was just a dream.  So I can imagine what Crowe was feeling with his dream of being drowned in a global flood.

As for my most memorable, movie moment of “Noah,” that would be the sequence when The Watchers (fallen angels) are shown falling from the heavens, their glowing bodies falling into and being enveloped by the rocks of the Earth.  They are now giant, lumbering creatures made of rock, with only their eyes and mouths revealing their spirits within.   A pitiful lot, they keep waiting for God to forgive them someday and bring them back to heaven, but God is silent.

These Watchers are the ones who helped Crowe build his massive ark.  And I’m glad that the movie gave Crowe help in building this structure, because if it was just Crowe and his family doing all this work, I would’ve cried a loud “bulls@#t” at the screen.  I think Crowe would’ve uttered many obscenities himself if he had to do all that work without God’s help.

Oh…years after my dream of my old car getting wrecked, some drunk ass did crash into my old car and totaled it.  And it happened in the same spot where I dreamed it would happen.  The drunk kid was lucky God didn’t give me a vision to take a hammer to his skull.

My car hit from behind.  Screw the flood, look at my car!

My car hit from behind. Screw the flood, look at my car!


— M